If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
