just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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