Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
