As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
