I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He? As in you personified your dick?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
