I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
