Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
