Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
pray to the hookup gods
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
