Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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