I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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