when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just invented taco cereal.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
