Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
