So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
