I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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