we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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