I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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