worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
