my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
