The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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