Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
