He uses pillows to masturbate.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
