hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
