I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
