finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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