You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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