Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
