I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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