i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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