I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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