someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
