we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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