I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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