You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
