I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
