I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
