he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
