I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
