now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
