I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
