im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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