Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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