If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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