I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
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