I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
