I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
