First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
