her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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