You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
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