Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
