hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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