you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
