She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
