New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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