Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
this is an emotional support booty call
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
