I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
