I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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