Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
