I can tuck mytits in my pants
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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