Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
