i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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